My Life in the Closet. Can gay/lesbian community ever find peace and happiness?

I AM WHAT I AM, AND WHAT I AM, NEEDS NO EXCUSES.

"My Life in the Closet". What an awful term. What an awful life. I am dedicating this story to fellow hubber calpol25 and all other gays who have experienced this hatred in their lives.

After my recent retirement, i began reflecting on my life and did not like what i was seeing. I was always independent. I had a fairly decent job as a registered nurse. I made a good wage and managed a quiet comfortable life for my self. After all, i didn't need very much in life. One can't fit too many things into the small confines of their closet. So, I had to make choices as to what to allow into that closet so as not to smother myself with things that could possible eventually harm my protected little limited and safe life i had created.

The clothes you wear have to be comfortably fitting. Colors neutral, mainstream, and basically banal so as not to draw any attention to yourself.

I couldn't be too fat or too skinny, so i maintained middle-of-the-road comfort to fit my middle of the road clothes.

My "friends" had to be chosen carefully. People who "looked" or "acted" outside my middle-of- the-road life could not be allowed access to my closet. After all, one is not only judged by the clothes you wear, but the "people" you associate with.

Then there is the problem of one's "relationship status" to consider. Loners were (and still are) shunned. Flamboyant lifestyles were to be avoided. Opposite sex friendships always ended in tragedy. Straight women always wanted more. They demand to be treated as equals, but if you were not interested in them sexually, or romantically, then there was 'something wrong' with you.

Same sex friendships equally had the potential for disaster. Guy friends always had that need to prove they (had a), (or were), (or wanted to be) seen as being a bigger dick than their friends. And that is both figuratively and comparatively speaking. So, if you didn't date the opposite sex and score, then brag about it, then there was 'something wrong' with you.

My solution to this dilemma? Well, i simply moved hundreds of miles away from everyone who knew me, to start a new life with a clean slate. I could not let my lifelong friends know who i really was, and did not want to take the chance of being ostracized by my family, or worse, make them also the target of hate and shame by the outsiders. In order to overcome these obstacles of my past, that seemed to be the inevitable plague of the unmarried man (either gay or straight), I had to find a way to compensate for my short comings (societally speaking, of course).

I found myself back to, and living in, a fresh new closet, devoid of baggage from my past. So, i 'invented' a past life to be able to comfortably stay in my closet. When people asked (and they always will, for nosiness is just the nature of the sizing-you-up beast within all of us). I would spin my tale of woe that would win hearts, sympathy, empathy and hosts of other horrible emotions to surmount. These obstacles were easily traversed once the foundation was set in the concrete recalling of my sympathy evoking past .

My story? Simple, yet genius in its simplicity. I was a grieving widower, who lost his wife and two children in a tragic accident involving a drunk driver. Too tragically painful to talk about in any detail. And when the supposedly well meaning friends, acquaintances and co-workers did their inevitable "let me fix you up with a nice girl" thing it was easy to rationalize not seeing them again after a date or two. I was still too traumatized by my past loss to get involved in any relationship.

Now i was freed up to build my life of independence. I saved my money, bought a modest home (thus expanding my closet to include more space, and privacy), bought a modest mid-sized car, got a dog and cat and proceeded to live my life in total silence and anonymity. I was immersed in my little middle-of-the-road lifestyle of quiet comfort and solitude.

When I re-visited my home town friends and family it was easy to assure them that i was indeed doing well, dating a wonderful girl and contemplating marriage some day. In reality, i had met a couple of lesbians with whom i had become very close to. We helped one another out by serving each other with required dates at such functions as family affairs, office parties, and other social functions. Life was good. I was perfectly happy and content in my closet with the door now just slightly ajar. I even met a wonderful boyfriend, we dated, (double dated with our lesbian friends), fell in love and moved in together.

He was just like me. We shared our closets. Maintained a 3 bedroom home, socialized with our lesbian counterparts and wallowed in our happiness. Life was indeed good.

But, then life happens. Happiness ends. Tragedy struck our happy home. My life partner, my soul mate, my lover, my friend, died - And believe it or not - in an auto accident involving a drunk driver!! I had told that story about my past so many times it had become a real part of my past memories. But, now the pain and loss was real, and extremely hard to bear. There is no pain in this life that could equal that of losing your soul mate and having to hide that pain away with you in your once again, solitary closet.

Now, i am retired. The closet door is wide open. No-one can hurt me out there in that evil world of hatred and deception. But alas, i am too old to re-capture all that was lost from my wasted past.

The moral of this story? Live your life to the fullest. Live it for yourself. Live each day as if it is your last. Live it not, in the shadows of what someone else thinks it should be.

I truly regret not having been more pro-active in fighting for equal rights for all people who are forced to spend their lives hiding in that proverbial closet. Take my advice for your own happiness and peace of mind.

• Take the closet door off its hinges. Break down the walls of confinement. Shout out loud for the world to hear you: I am what i am.
• Adopt a "new attitude" of - If you do not like what you see, or who i am, there is no room in my life for you.
• Do not be slave to an ignorant society.
• Don't ever let someone else's fears, ignorance, or unfounded religious beliefs dictate or influence you or impact your life's quest for happiness.
• Do not give anyone that much power over you.
• No-one deserves it. No-one will ever earn it.
• Live your life to the fullest.
• Do that much for yourself.
• Do it for me.

d.william 08/31/2010 (revised 04/09/2011)