My Life As A Male Nurse. A Personal Miracle.

Miracles DO happen. Overcoming adversity and illness with the help of a higher power. My personal story of spontaneous remission of cancer.

After i graduated from nursing school, i stepped right into a staff nurse position on the surgical unit where i had been working for the previous five years as a nursing assistant. In those days we were referred to as "institutional attendants". That title seemed to be a little more formal and a little less stigmatically stereotypical.

We had this old Italian surgeon that was one of the smartest physicians, and surgeons, i have ever known. He became my mentor while I attended college and worked off shifts, weekends and holidays, to pay for my schooling. He always asked me what i was studying while i was in nursing school, and then give me some medically related subject to look up and discuss with him the next time he came to the unit. I really learned a lot from this kind and gentle man.

I was the only one he would allow to do the initial post-op dressing changes. I always did rounds with him, and the charge nurse. Since I would be working nights, weekends and holidays he said he needed someone he could trust to change his dressings when he was not here. So, during those "rounds" he would tell me to go ahead and change the dressings so he could observe my "technique", as he called it. I was more than happy to learn something new.

Anyway one day as we were doing rounds (visiting each patient to assess their progress), there was a new patient that I had done the admission assessment on for him, that we were to see next. He asked me what this one was here for. I said: "I am not a diagnostician, but I can tell you that he has cancer". He stopped and looked over my admission notes and said: "there is nothing here to indicate he has cancer". I said, "I know". He asked: Then how can you make that kind of a statement before I even see him?". I replied: " I can smell it". He just laughed.

There were no physically visible signs of cancer so he just let it go. After all the test results were done, the patient was scheduled for surgery (gall bladder removal). I prepped him and he was taken to the operating room.

The next day when i went to work, the surgeon was waiting for me. I couldn't imagine what I had done wrong. He sat down with the chart and let me read his operative notes. They indicated that when he opened the patient's abdomen for surgery, he discovered that the patient had cancer throughout his bowels. Inoperable and terminal. He was quite impressed that i had "diagnosed" this patient with cancer based on "smelling it". He questioned me extensively about how I could possibly have known this. I couldn't think of any reason, excuse, or explanation, so I just said: "they use dogs to track people by their scent. So, i guess I must have been a dog in one of my past lives". He did not find this very amusing. I had no other explanation, except that i can just "smell it".

After that incident, every time we made rounds, upon entering a patient's room, he would stand on one side of the bed, I on the other, out of the patient's field of vision and when the doctor looked at me, i would either nod 'yes,' or 'no'. I had a 100% accuracy ratiocination. Over the years I discovered that I was not unique in this ability. I found other nurses that had the same ability.

This ability proved helpful for me over the years, but i could never have dreamed it would actually save my own life.

In 1993, i started getting some shortness of breath, tired easily, and began to experience some ankle edema (swelling). Then I noticed I was putting on weight (water retention). When the abdominal pain started, my belly was bulging, appetite gone, and I was wheezing audibly. And incidentally -still smoking cigarettes, as i had for the past 40 years.

The pain became unbearable. My pancreas was swollen, hard and very painful to the touch. Then, one day when i dragged myself out of bed in the morning, I got a strong pungent odor of the smell of cancer. It was nauseating and somewhat frightening to me. I knew I was in trouble. I also knew i would never put myself through that surgery, or the debilitating effects of chemotherapy. So i made a personal conscious decision.

I was currently living in a large city and was not going to die there, or burden my family with having to take care of an invalid at the end of my life.. I bought a home in the country, on 10 acres of wooded land. After throwing my cigarettes in the trash, packed up and moved there to die in a peaceful natural setting. I had made peace with the impending transition from the physical world to the spiritual. I also was at peace with the decision I made that when i became incapacitated, i would simply transition myself into the next world. I had no fear, no second thoughts, no regrets and saw no other options.

I took a sabbatical year from work and intended to die with a peaceful heart and some dignity. I was ready to face it head on. I moved to my country home. It was a beautiful, peaceful, quiet and very serene setting for me. I walked in the woods every day, smelled the flowers, touched the trees and felt a connection to nature that i had never known before. I was at peace with myself and with the world, and i had my beautiful cats to give me companionship and comfort. One day, while i was strolling in the woods with my dogs, i spoke to God: "My life is now in your hands; do with it what you will". I have never questioned that statement again.

For the next year, I ate only mashed broccoli, carrots and potatoes. These were the only foods i could ingest that did not give me pain and nausea.

After a year, or so, i woke up one morning, went for my walk in the woods and realized i had no abdominal pain, and my legs did not feel as heavy. My shoes no longer felt too small for my feet. I was no longer wheezing and actually felt hungry.

I gradually added green beans, peas and scrambled eggs to my diet and actually enjoyed them. Six months later i decide i probably needed to think about returning to work, as my funds were starting to become depleted. If I was going to live any longer, I would need to earn some money to live on.

I went back to work as an admissions assessment nurse for a local hospice agency. Amusingly telling myself, that at least when i pass on, i would have a place in which to do it with some dignity.

5 years later, i caught pneumonia and need to seek out a physician for some antibiotics. After having blood work and chest X Rays done, and two weeks of antibiotics therapy, I went back to the medical doctor for a follow up visit.. He told me all my lab tests came back within normal limits. And my lungs were clear - no more wheezing. Needless to say, i was quite surprised. {The last X Ray I had many years ago showed i had what the doctor called "black lung" from years of heavy smoking. He said the X Rays looked like the lungs of a long time coal miner.}

I asked the MD about the X ray i had done two weeks ago. He seemed puzzled that i would ask to see it after he told me it was negative.. He took it out and hung it up on the X Ray viewer he had in his office and I was again quite surprised. "Are you sure this is mine?", i asked him. He wanted to know why I would ask him that question, so i told him about that X Ray of several years ago and what the doctor told me back then. He assured me it was my X Ray and said my lungs were clear and i was obviously never a smoker. There was some old insignificant scarring at the bases, but otherwise they were normal. He said he did not believe me when i told him i had smoked for over 40 years and that i had quit about 7 years ago.

After I told him my history, he looked at it again and said - you would never know it by this X ray. I knew it was possible for adverse conditions to reverse themselves, but never thought i would witness it in relation to my own life.

I believe that a miracle happened in my life. Apparently, my life purpose was not completed yet.. Ten years after this eventful happening, i am feeling normal and in better health, both physically and mentally than i have in many years.

I really enjoy my life, the people around me, my cats (and now a couple of dogs) and my family that never knew what i went through back then. The last thing i would have wanted was pity from my friends and family. They would know when the time was right, and my need to tell them.

I feel like i have been given a second chance at life, and intend to enjoy it with as much gusto as possible.. And with a renewed respect for our creator, mother nature, love, and appreciation for those i have had the pleasure of knowing, and calling " my friends'. There was more for me to do here on this earth. I only hoped it would be done with love, dignity, and never with harm to others.

Miracles DO happen. I am living proof of that.

by: d.william 02/07/11